The StepMonster Index
Historically undercast, maniacally misunderstood, here’s to the second stringers.
Now that the real moms have had their brunch, let’s have a shout out to the bonus moms who opted into momming when the momming was required. Maybe we can do a little re-writing while we’re at it, hmmmm?
Chances that a stepmom will flow harmonically with all of her new brood: 7 out of 7
Chances that she’ll understand if one pines after a fascist boyfriend: 1 out of 7
Ratio of times you think the kid is a dumbass to the times you would eviscerate an ultrasound tech for them: 2:1
Number of doodles that can not be undid, homeskillet: 1
Estimated chance that a stepmom would think some recently reunited sisters might actually ENJOY some time together alone at a prestigious educational facility abroad, sheesh: 1 in 12
Portion of meals that will be enhanced by a new kid at the table: 2/3
Portion of meals that will be enhanced by adding maple syrup: 1/3
Chance that your Christmas tradition will now look a bit different: 99 in 100
Percentage of cedar closets you’d give up for macaroni necklaces: 75
Factor change, in cortisol levels, if you get to have both: -86
Buh-buh-buh-buh-buhs needed to cope either way: 1.2M
Chance that we’ve all misunderstood just HOW much work needed to be done on said stone McMansion whose ownership (and likely taxes) was dropped on a widow with two already useless children and one eager-to-please eldest daughter who didn’t have a grasp of the woman’s wickedly dry humor and witty penchant for nicknames: no?
Number of times you’ll have to explain to a school admin who you are to the kid with a different last name: 5,729
Number of times you’ll have to explain that it wasn’t YOU who named the kid after a number: probably < 0.5
Chances that you’ll take an international trip with your spouse without all the kids and it will be as fun as you hoped: 2 in 37
WHOOPS NOPE. WE DON’T CLAIM HER. AND WIRE HANGERS DO SUCK.
Chances that, though you never reached the top-ten ranks of the Neilsen ratings, you changed how America viewed families: 10/10
Factor by which a trip to Hawaii will NOT include a '“found” souvenir if you are over the age of 50: +62
Percentage chance that your husband is actually gay: 50
Percentage chance that you’d just keep the kids, the housekeeper, and the mid-century modern house, add a pool and call it a lavender marriage at the end of the day because who got time to unravel all that: 98
Number of my kids who came with the husband: 3/4
Ranking as the best BOGO in history: 1
Number who stayed after the husband turned into FloridaMan: 4/4
Chances that my family unit is the wackiest, coolest, most subversive, challenging, terrifyingly amazing, humbling, and honestly wonderful ride: 1 in 1
Here's to Stephmom and her incredible humans!
Stephanie, not only are you brilliant (I can tell by your writing), you also have integrity up the wazoo! Happy Mothers Day!