The Boyos
Something a little more uplifting, yes?
Here’s a question: Are coming out stories in danger of going extinct?
It seems so normal these days for kids to talk about their choices, their feelings toward other humans, their personal prefs. When my son Joey came out his senior year in high school, no one was talking about being gay. But by the time his youngest brother, Giant Baby, graduated the same high school ten years later, there was much more fluidity in the class.
Though, I don’t take this for granted. I know there are still plenty of places and families where coming out as gay, or event different, is terrifying and an act of subversion. But I will always have hope, and give hope.
I consider myself not just an ally, but a freaking Tiger Mom in this lane. God forbid someone in my presence try out a gay slur or make an inappropriate joke, I will slyly and intelligently, with the sharpest of wit, slice them up for lunch.
But, on to happier thoughts! Like the way that Joey decided it was time to live his true life.
It was St. Patrick’s Day, oddly, which has no other bearing on this story.
Joey and I had been laughing all day at the dumb things online, I was relishing the time with him knowing that in a few months he would graduate, and then in a few months more would head off to Denison in Ohio for college.
I was sitting in my bed paging through Bon Appetit before going to sleep, as one does, when I noticed him pacing outside my bedroom door. He came in and sat on the foot of my bed with a strained look on his face.
“What’s up?” I said.
“Can I talk to you? About something serious? It’s not bad, it’s just important.”
“Yeah of course,” and I set the mag aside giving my full attention.
“OK, so I’m not quite sure how to say it, but is it ok if I use a metaphor?”
“Yeah, go ahead” Here’s me: mind begins to mildly swim with panic, not because I’m afraid of what he’s trying to tell me as much as … WHAT IF I DON’T GET THE METAPHOR??? What if he says something super important to him (which obviously this is) and I biff it???? Can we chalk that up to my B- grade English major anxieties?
“OK, well what if I tell you that I’m feeling a little claustrophobic in my closet?”
*
*
Me: blank stare.
NOT because I can’t process this news, but because I am wildly thinking: THIS IS TOO OBVIOUS, DOES HE KNOW WHAT THAT METAPHOR MEANS OR IS THIS SOMETHING THAT I’M NOT GETTING ON A DEEPER LEVEL. COULD THIS MEAN SOMETHING NEW TO THIS GENERATION THAT I’M NOT GETTING????
After two more beats he says, “Ok just … I’m gay, I’m telling you that I’m gay.”
And with that I said something like: YAY! OF COURSE you are! Oh my god I’m so happy for you! Of course, and I love you no matter what!
And we hugged, and had a good cry to release alllllll the tension of the years. Of course I had suspected, his sister and I had a plan to let him go off to his first year of college and then ask him if he didn’t come back with a boyfriend. But Joey had decided, if he’s going to change his whole life anyway, why not start fresh as his true self.
He was nervous to tell his sibs and we thought we should do it one by one to give them time to process, but he was quite nervous of how we should tell Giant Baby, who at the time was just Jakey Baby, a bite-sized seven year old.
We were sitting at dinner, in a booth at a local steak house. Joey, Jakey, their father, and me. We thought that Joey had wanted to do it himself, but you could see that he was frozen. So his father turned to Jakey and said:
“You know how Joey is going to go off to college soon?”
“Yeah,” says small human.
“You know how when Megan went to college, she came back with a boyfriend, right?”
“Yeah?”
*** At this point, Joey’s eyes are popped, dear reader, as he realizes what is happening.
“So what if, when Joey comes back from college, instead of having a girlfriend, he has a boyfriend?”
“Like Megan’s?”
“Yeah, but his own boyfriend. Like what if someday he marries a boy instead of a girl?”
Jakey, dragging a fry through ketchup, “Yeah! You can do that? That would be cool!” And looking at Joey, I think he said “Is that what you’re gonna do?”
“Maybe?” said Joey, but honestly I can’t remember exactly, because the most distinct memory is all the love and relief and joy and humanity blooming at that table. And forever since.
The maybe became a big fat YES on Friday, June 14 when Joey married Ryan in New York City, where they met after college. My whole family’s life is richer and more beautiful because those two found each other.
Happy Pride everyone! Keep telling these stories so that we all know what a gift love is and how none of us should take any of it for granted.
XOSM
The fear of not getting the metaphor is real! Congratulations to Joey and Ryan!!!!
beautiful!!!